XMas Special
by Mako Red Eyes
Summary: All Vincent Valentine wants for Christmas is the shining new Death Penalty, but everybody seems to think he's just going to shoot his eye out... yes. A Parody on that. MRE takes an adventure on the goofy side... .
1. Default Chapter

I'm back! And this time with brainless dribble! (Yes, I do do that) This is something of a weak parody on A Christmas Story, but only slightly in its most fundamental level. It doesn't follow the actual movie in any way. Just the punch line, you could say... I'll warn you right now, this is entirely a gag story: Expect OOCness, lame jokes, annoying characters, and probably a healthy amount of character bashing.

Also, of course, the disclaimer: I donnot own FFVII or A Christmas Story, or, as I do reference, The Grinch. (what a mix! lol)

Finally, a Language warning. This /is/ PG13 but w/ strong language (Ie, Cid, Barret, etc) so, if you don't like profanity, or are too young to understand what the heck the words mean in the first place, turn back now. You've been warned, have a nice day )

MRE.

OoO

X-Mas Special

Part ONE

Vincent Valentine sighed heavily as he followed the rest of AVALANCHE through the city of Kalm. The town was a quaint one by nature, and had gone to further measures to increase to its picture perfect-ness this holiday season by decorating the entire town gutter to rooftop with holiday cheer. It was a blaring mix of red, white, green and gold, /everywhere/.

Vincent tired not to think too hard on the bobbing Santa Hat perched on top of Cloud's head as the spiky-blond led the group through town. All around, exterior speakers on each lamp post blared sappy holiday music going on and on about the "most wonderful time of the year" and "winter wonderlands" and the such. Tifa was up with Cloud, skipping along side him, her voluptuous bust bouncing in time with music. Vincent winced as they rounded a corner, where a man dressed as Santa stood with a donations bucket and a very loud bell, which he rung directly in Vincent's ear, bellowing,

"Ho-ho ho HO!" Then, softer, "Hey, bub, where the hell is yer holiday sprit, huh?!"

Vincent tried to ignore that too.

It wasn't that Vincent was against Christmas. Far from it. But this… he felt like he was in Who-Ville(). It was a little disgusting.

"it's the mooooost, wonderful time, of the YEAAAAAARR!" Cloud bellowed suddenly, apparently deciding to sing along, out of tune, with the ending of the song blaring across the sidewalks. Vincent groaned, and tried to act like he wasn't a part of Cloud's group.

Beside him, Barret echoed Vincent's whimper, and furthered his opinion to a gagging gesture as he pointed at Cloud.

"Aaagh!" Yuffie cried, falling back with the two gunmen. "He's /tone deaf/!"

Tifa continued to bounce alongside Cloud, oblivious.

"Are all humans like this?" Nanaki asked over his shoulder.

"Naah! Just the numbskulls like Spike, there-" Cid said, pointing ahead at a still singing Cloud with his cigarette.

"Ha! Yer just sayin' that cause ya can't sing yerself!" Cait Sith cried, nudging Cid as he and his Mog bounded by the walking, swearing smokestack.

Cid wrinkled his face up, glaring with icy eyes.

"I kin too fucking sing!" He objected.

"Then sing fer us!" Cait Sith insisted.

"Hell, no! I dun wanna hear /nobody/ sing, damnit!" Barret objected. Yuffie nodded her agreement, making a face.

"Dun worry, I ain't gunna fuckin' sing." Cid growled.

"Aaw! Just on carol!" Cait Sith insisted. "O'Christmas Tree?" He suggested.

"No." Cid growled, walking faster.

"Joy to the World?"

"No."

"The Twelve Days of Christmas?"

"No!"

"The First Noel?"

By now, Vincent had managed to tune the pair out, eyes drifting to the windows of the shops they passed, more out of desperation than interest.

"Deck the Halls?"

"No!"

"Jingle Bells?"

"Fuck no!"

"Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer?"

"Would you shut up?!"

Vincent rolled his eyes, looking away again.

And paused, eyes lighting up, jaw dropping into a half-dazed smile.

There, in the window of the weapon's shop they'd been passing was the most extraordinary /gun/ Vincent had ever seen.

Crafted from dark hardwood, gilded in bras and steel, and nearly as long as Cloud was tall, in its full, double barrel glory, the rifle gleamed in the spotlights, sitting elegantly on red satin, glittering and freshly polished. Vincent's breath caught, and he took a step towards the window, eyes fixed on the rifle.

"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen?"

"No!"

"We Wish You A Merry Christmas?"

"No!"

The noise faded from Vincent's mind as he got close enough to read the gold curving name of the gun, worked into the butt of the weapon.

_Death Penalty_. Vincent smiled, eyes wide and misting over.

"Its beautiful…." He breathed. Glancing back at the rest of AVALANCHE, now a few doors down and oblivious to his hanging back, Vincent slipped inside the shop.

"Excuse me?" Vincent said, being brave and raising his voice past its usual half-whisper. The store owner looked up, quirking an eyebrow. "How much for the rifle in the front window?" He asked, eyes bright with excitement. The man chuckled a little, smirking.

"Fifteen hundred gil." He said smugly. "No discounts." He added, sitting back.

Vincent's excitement fled him, along with what little complexion he had. Vincent /knew/ he only had thirteen hundred…and nothing left to pawn off for the other two. It was pathetic, really, that he was /that/ close to… Wait. Vincent held up a hand.

"I'll be back." He said, dashing out of the store.

"Silent Night?"

"No!"

"Joy To the World?"

"No!"

"From Heaven Above?" Yuffie suggested suddenly. Cid turned on his heel to glare at the teen.

"/NO/!" He bellowed, right in her face. Yuffie made a face.

"Eew. Stinky cigarette breath." She said, pinching her nose. Vincent skidded up beside the others, having easily caught up to them. Cid looked up at him, and smiled crookedly.

"Hiya, Vin." He said, glad for a distraction from the harassment he'd been receiving.

"Highwind.." Vincent said nodding back to Cid. Then he paused, looking down. "Um…Can I…can…"

"What?" Barret said, giving the smaller man a weird look.

"Can I borrow two hundred gil from someone?" Vincent asked, biting his lip in anticipation.

"Well, what fer?!" Cait Sith asked. Vincent bit his lip again.

"Umm…there's a gunIsawthat'sreallyniceandIneedtwohundredmoregiltoaffordit."

"What?!" Cid yelped. "You already own fifteen fucking guns, Vin! Ya don't need /another/ one!"

"But its /beautiful!/" Vincent cried. "Just come and /look/ at it!" Cid snorted, but then jumped as Vincent grabbed his arm with one hand, and Cait Sith with the other, and dragged them, Barret and Yuffie following, back to the storefront where the _Death Penalty_ lie, waiting. He deposited the pilot and the stuffed cat in front of the window and pointed, turning his best attempt at big, watering puppy-eyes at the group.

Yuffie raised an eyebrow, looking first at Vincent, then back at the gun, wondering, Is it compensation or advertising?but decided to keep it mostly to herself.

"Its bigger than I am!" She said instead. Vincent smiled dreamily.

"Yeah…"

Cid sniffed, lighting another smoke.

"Eh, you'll just shoot yer fuckin' eye out with that thing, Vin! Just 'cause its all big 'n sparkly, dun mean its any damned good!"

"Yeah, man, the kick on that fucker'd prolly blow yer damned arm off anyway!" Barret added, then turned and walked back after Cloud, Tifa and Nanaki. Cait Sith followed. Cid turned, patted Vincent's shoulder.

"C'mon, buddy. It ain't /that/ special."

Vincent let himself be dragged away, still gazing forlornly back at the gleaming gun in the window.

OoO

AN: I LIVE!!! grins

()Who-Ville from How the Grinch Stole Christmas -- the entire town was extremely overzealous with their holiday spirit, for any of you who may not know. See the movie w/ Jim Carey and you'll catch my drift.

Yeah. This isn't meant to be taken seriously, folks. Its just a cute little gag idea I had. I dunno /exactly/ where this is going but.. shrugs its just fun.

So…Apparently, saying "Fuck" in a PG13 rated movie is alright now…in America, at least. Yeah… this was a while ago, but I saw Alien Vs. Predator, and here it is, not a whole lot of gore, (or plot for that matter) but all this cursing, then this chick comes up with Fuck this, and Fucker that! I'm like OO; (Covers my "littler sister's" ears) so yeah, shocked me to hell. (Kinda nice, though) lol.


	2. Ch 2

X-MAS SPECIAL

Part two

Vincent sat at the table he shared with his comrades, and sighed heavily, the soft sound somehow managing to drown out the excited banter bouncing through the rest of AVALANCHE. The laughter and talking ceased suddenly, as several heads turned to look at him.

"Ooh, Vince, what's wrong?" Tifa cooed, batting her big eyes sadly. Vincent simply sighed again, shoulders sagging.

"So beautiful…"

"Who?" Tifa asked, blinking. Barret snorted.

"That fucking gun." He said.

"What?" Tifa blinked.

"He saw a pretty gun today he wants but can't afford." Yuffie explained, smirking. Vincent sighed forlornly as Cid refilled his glass to the brim with whiskey without asking.

"I could have if someone would have spot me just a /little/." Vincent complained sourly.

"Oh, gee. I would have given you a loan, Vince." Tifa said. "Where is it?" Vincent sank in his seat. All the banter and excitement in the Costa Del Sol bar was only making him /more/ depressed.

"Kalm." He answered softly.

"Ka--- But Vincent, we haven't been in Kalm for two weeks!" Cloud cried suddenly, having been listening. Vincent lifted hollow eyes to the blond.

"Yeah, he's been bellyaching' ever since!" Cid snorted.

Cid leaned heavily on the table, chugging booze, and trying to stick a cigarette in Vincent's nose… He was very drunk. And loud. Vincent winced.

"It was /really/ nice…" Vincent argued.

Cloud frowned.

"You'd just shoot your eye out, Vince." He said flatly.

Vincent dropped his head to the table in exasperation.

"That's what Cid said…" He muttered. Cid, who'd been leaning back in his chair, lost his balance and hit the floor with a crash at the mention of his name.

"Huwa?"

oo

Vincent was desperate. He couldn't take his mind off of the _Death Penalty_. It was just everything he'd ever dreamed of in a gun… absolute perfection. He dreamt of it at night, wished upon stars for it…Even his demons, Chaos especially, liked it, and therefore craved it as well.

Cid had refused to give him a ride back to Kalm, so Vincent, sneaking out of his hotel room in the dead of night, went out to pay Lucrecia a visit…

"Vincent…you've returned…" Came a heavenly voice. Vincent smiled dreamily, eyes misting up.

"Yes…"

"What is it you need, dear Vincent?" Lucrecia went on gently, appearing in her ghostly form before him, the specter of an angel.

Vincent shuffled his feet.

"Well…umm…there's this really nice… um… gun." He began. Lucrecia quirked an ethereal eyebrow. "And…um…I can't afford it." Vincent went on, "…Can you front me two hundred gil?" He said awkwardly, toeing the cavern floor where he stood.

"…A /gun/?" Lucrecia asked critically.

"Yes…but its special… its gorgeous…like nothing I've ever seen before… it's a rifle…only…better…double barrels, bras and hardwood so /dark/ its almost black…ebony…and its /huge/…" Vincent spun off on his own description of the _Death Penalty_, eyes going distant and misty, full of love and longing. He held his hands apart to approximate the length of the enormous rifle, and Lucrecia frowned, floating back a few paces from the Ex-Turk.

"Vincent…" She began. "…you'll just shoot your eye out with that thing."

Vincent went pale, jaw slack.

Silence resounded heavily across Lucrecia's Cave…Finally, Vincent managed to stammer a response.

"O-okay then…" With that, and one more heartbroken glance towards his old love, Vincent turned and left with a gentle sweep of his cape.

Walking out into the moonlight, a trail of glistening tears of hopelessness trickled down Vincent's pale cheek.

_OH, SUCK IT UP, YOU BIG BABY! _Vincent's most prominent demon, Chaos complained. _You'll find a way to get that gun! Steal it if you have to!_

Vincent frowned.

"I will not steal anything, Chaos." Vincent grunted, climbing back through the window to his hotel room.

_Well… your friends won't help you…there's got to be /somebody/ that can help you get that gun…_

Vincent settled into his bed, staring back out the window. There was a great lit up figure of Santa and his sled, presents, eight tiny reindeer and all, shining brightly like some sort of subliminal message on the next rooftop over.

Slowly, the gunslingers' eyes light up, reflecting the red, white, green and blue lights from next door, a smile creeping across his lips.

Its never too old to believe, is it?

Scrambling out of his bed, Vincent dug out a pen and stationary from the lone bedside table in his room, and began to scribble a carefully thought-out letter, or essay rather, requesting the _Death Penalty_, and justifying to Santa Clause why he should receive it…

_Well, you /have/ missed three decades of Christmases…_ Chaos reasoned in bewilderment, _I suppose this could make up for it…_

Vincent smiled in agreement, nodding to himself. He signed the letter carefully, folded and sealed it carefully, addressing it on the outside to "Santa Claus, The North Pole." Dashing back out the window (Because doors are overrated) Vincent quickly found the nearest drop-in public mailbox, and let the letter fly.

OoOoO

AN:

Oh yes. More. . Not much, I'll admit, but I wanted to break it into smaller segments rather than one bigger chunk. There isn't much plot to this, just a few key points, perhaps, and a whole lot of fun.

It was mentioned whether or not this was AU? …Pft! I dunno! Lol. I somehow decided to have Vincent conscious of Chaos, which would technically mean he /should/ have received the Death Penalty, from Lucrecia no less (laughs) but …eh. Like I said before, this is all fun.


	3. ch3

X-MAS SPECIAL.

Part Three

Winter birds sang softly into the morning as the sun rose, lighting up the various hotel rooms.

Still, Vincent shifted where he sat, anxious. Some time in the night, Chaos had seeded yet another poisonous thought into Vincent's mind:

_What if the letter doesn't get to Santa on time?_

Christmas was only a week away, and the North Pole was a very, very long ways away. It had to be. Vincent had been nearly everywhere on this earth, yet he hadn't been to the North Pole. Yes. A very long ways off.

And the United Choco-back Postal Service wasn't exactly fast. Vincent remembered all of five decades ago when he had received a birthday present from his Great Aunt Ethel via UCPS … in June. It was postmarked October 6'th, just a week before his birthday, but it /still/ hadn't arrived for eight months…

_You'd better find another way to make sure Santa gets your letter… _Chaos points out, following Vincent's train of thought.

_Do you know his PHS number?_

Vincent snorted. Yeah. Right. Santa's PHS number…

_Just a thought…_ Chaos added, sounding hurt. Vincent sniffed. Then jumped at a loud banging on his door.

"Vincent! C'mon, lets go!" Came Cloud's voice through the door.

_So rude…_ Chaos commented quietly from the back of Vincent's mind. _Can I eat him?_

"Not now, Chaos." Vincent responded out loud.

"What?" Cloud called through the door, having heard Vincent speaking.

"Nothing!" Vincent called back in exasperation, even as he dressed to go out.

_You sure? _Chaos asked pointedly. Vincent sighed.

"No, no I'm not sure." The demon snickered.

A quick high-kick over a few mountain ranges, through Cosmo Canyon and three days later, and Vincent was still agonizing over Santa Claus, his letter, and the _Death Penalty_, left behind in the now /very/ far away Kalm.

Now, coming into Rocket Town, Vincent was beginning to feel rather sour about everyone's excitement about Christmas coming. Even the old, leaning ShinRa No. 26 Rocket was decked out in lights, a very large, lit up star at its nose.

Vincent very much wanted it to wait until he figured out what to do about contacting Santa, but Christmas was determined to come, in only a few days. Vincent was beginning to learn the hard way that no matter how hard you hang on, /and/ pull with all your might in the opposite direction, you can't stop the world from turning.

Vincent sighed. Cloud was singing again, loudly, and off tune, and Tifa had joined in, along with Cait Sith, who was glaring as best as a toy cat could, at Cid, who refused to help.

The pilot, apparently, was just not into singing. Vincent idly wondered what he /was/ into.

As it turns out, the answer was getting drunk. Very, very, ass over teakettle, drunk. Vincent sighed. AVALANCHE was again gathered at the local bar, and finally, they'd gotten Cid Highwind to sing.

"The Pow'r is out from'a terrible storm, but my light, still /shiines!/"

Quite loudly, in fact.

"Santa's Spinnin', Ruldoph's grinning'! Listen ta my gener'ater whiiiine!

Vincent groaned. Cid was red-faced, and grinning. Barret and Cloud were standing up and cheering him on. Cait Sith had pulled out a micro-video camera, obviously planning to blackmail the Mayor of Rocket Town.

"The neighbor's put up, ah pretty good front, but I know they envy meee! I see 'em peekin' through a crack in their living room blinds at my FIFTY KILOWATT TREE!"

_He's never going to live this down,_ Chaos commented from inside Vincent's head. Vincent smirked a little at this.

"FIFTY KILOWATT TREE-- I'm proud of my display!" Cid went on, now standing on the table and bellowing for the whole bar to hear. Shera could be seen hiding in a corner, giggling her heart out.

"FIFTY KILOWATT TREE- up /past/ New Year's day!"

Cid went on singing, but Vincent had tried to tune it out by now.

"Fifty kilowatt tree- I've got a lovely lawn, you'd better not, walk on!"

He was more concerned with his beloved _Death Penalty, _ and further trying to ignore Cloud and Tifa trying to sing along with Cid to a Christmas song not many people knew, along with Chaos' running commentary.

_They should go on the road with that…_

"There's a star in the East, but its only me,"

Vincent groaned. Barret….oh, no…Barret…had begun to dance as well. Cid could carry a tune quite well. It was the way he was going about it, and how his not-quite- as-drunk-as-he friends were responding to him. From the back of the bar, an important-looking man with a Santa hat sitting askew on his head began to approach the AVALANCHE Does Christmas Live! Table as Cid sang.

"With my fifty Kilowatt Tree!" Cid finished the verse, and lost his balance, flopping back into his chair, where he took another long swig of booze to wet his throat, before trying to stand again.

The man in the Santa hat approached Cid, but Vincent, put out by the embarrassment of his so called friends making such drunken idiots of themselves, quietly rose and slipped out of the bar into the night, back to his own hotel room. Again.

Vincent Valentine shifted, and sighed sadly in his sleep.

In his dreams, he saw the beautiful _Death Penalty_ floating about his vision, light glittering off of it… He imagined how it would feel cradled in his arms, imagined the feel behind its kick… Imagined receiving it from his friends for Christmas instead of having to beg Santa for it… He sighed, smiling.

And woke with a snap.

That's it!

He'd seen a sign in the center of town, advertising that Santa would be visiting December 22'nd…That was… TODAY!

Leaping out of bed, Vincent dressed quickly, a plan formulating in his head…

OoOoO

AN: 1) no, this isn't a musical, lol. I just wanted to pick on Cid a little. (he's so fun to tweak with… eheheee..) Vinnie's fun to pick on, too, it seems, lol .

Shido: (pops up in a poof of smoke) DAMN YOU!!! ?#$!&$!!!!!!

MRE: (smiles hazily) I love you too, Cid…

2) ANYWAY… The song that Cid sang was /indeed/ a song (lol) called Fifty Kilowatt Tree, by the Bobs on their Christmas album Too Many Santas (there fore, of course, Copywrite the Bobs, not me). A must have if you're into the lighter side of Christmas rather than singing angels and all those lovely songs that lift your sprirts but make you wanna cry your heart out at the same time. All humor based with such treats as "Yuleman Vs. The Anti-Claus", "Christmas in Jail", "Christmas in LA" (ehehee) or, "Mambo Santa, Mambo" among others

3) And yeah, there /are/ a lot of xmas songs… I got a biiig ol songbook w/ popular carols that has a handy dandy list of them on the back… I just read offa that for Cait Sith's earlier harassment of Cid. XX

4)And yes! I actually have an IDEA of where this is going now!! Did YOU SEE the plot bunnies popping up there?!? Didja didja?!…Prolly not… lol . Much more silliness to come. (mutters) now I gotta go and get serious w/ "lesson learned…" sigh… lol.

MRE.


	4. ch 4

X-MAS SPECIAL.

Part Four

Vincent tried to act discreet as he stood in the /incredibly/ long line to see Santa. There were several mothers and their children glaring irritably at him.

It wasn't very easy to blend in to a long line of women and their children, dressed brightly in their holiday best, when you're six-one, dressed mysteriously in black and red (rather morbid for the holiday), are male, but have longer, richer, prettier hair than every woman in line, and have glowing red eyes and a claw.

_I think you'd better rethink this one, Valentine._ Chaos said flatly. Vincent swallowed. The woman ahead of him kept glancing back at him and then back to her PHS like she was ready to call the cops, or something.

_/Yes…yes, I think you're right…/ _Vincent agreed silently to the demon. He didn't think it would help the situation if he accidentally responded to the voices in his head, /out loud/. Vincent stepped out of the line, and hurried back out of the large open area that was so heavily crowded with little children, reworking his plan in his head.

He could always just hold a heist and demand to see Santa…but somehow, he didn't think that Santa would be up for bringing him the _Death Penalty_ for Christmas, if Vincent pulled one of his other guns on him today.

_That would be rather funny, you know… _Chaos commented.

"Shut up." Vincent muttered as he glanced back at the crowd. There wasn't a child over ten back there, and the place had been noisy, full of the sounds of children crying, screaming to their mothers in tantrum, bells, and of course Santa's hallmark "ho ho ho!" laugh. The place had also stank of bad perfume and urine.

Still, Vincent wanted to go back.

_Maybe a disguise…?_ Chaos suggested. Deeper within Vincent's psyche, Gallian Beast, not as piercingly intelligent as Chaos and usually pretty quiet, grunted its approval. Vincent sighed. That could work…

Vincent returned to the line of children, now snaking halfway towards the town gates, wrapped in a large, tawny cape made of faux suede, cowboy boots, spurs and all, more faux suede cowboy pants, vest, gloves, checked shirt, and the biggest cowboy hat he could find, pulled down low over his eyes. He stood in line with his knees bent, concealed under the cape. His hair was pulled up under the hat carefully.

He felt like an idiot.

And his thighs were starting to burn, but he didn't dare reveal his true height.

Chaos sniggered.

_My, aren't we darling._

Vincent sniffed indignantly. The lady and her fat little boy ahead of him both turned to give him queer looks. He gave them a bored stare he'd learned from Cloud, back. The lady sniffed back at him and turned back around.

_Mmm…pork sausages…_ Chaos commented snidely as Vincent glanced at the fat little boy ahead of him, tugging on mommy's sleeve and whining about being hungry. Vincent wondered how Chubby could be related to his pencil-necked mother.

_Maybe it skips a generation?_ Chaos mused halfheartedly. Vincent wondered briefly, even as he quietly agreed with the demon, when Chaos had become so social.

_Eh…_ Chaos answered, _Christmas sprit… got me all 'warm and fuzzy' inside…_

Vincent rolled his eyes.

"MUMMY! I WAN CANDY /NOW!/"Chubby whined ahead of them. To Vincent's dismay, 'Mummy' reached into her purse and handed Chubby a large candy bar.

"Here you go, Dudders…" Mrs. Pencil-Neck cooed, pinching the fat boy's cheek lovingly. Vincent nearly shot her then and there. The pistol in the faux cow-hide holster at his hip /wasn't/ made of plastic…

Santa groaned, sharp eyes cutting across the lines and lines and lines of stinking, whining brats.

"Tell me again why I'm doing this?" He growled. Beside him, his elf assistant grinned sheepishly.

"Christmas spirit?" He suggested in a squeaky voice. Behind him, the stuffed mog with the Santa hat and big red bow around its neck grinned dopily.

Santa snorted roughly.

"Umm…" The helper Elf tried again. "Because you were drunk and got conned into it?"

Santa groaned again, and sank further into his chair, tugging at his big white fluffy beard.

"Damnit…" He shifted again. His backside was beginning to get sore from sitting in the same, wooden throne for so long. "This is getting to be /really/ fucking uncomfortable…" He muttered.

"Santa! The children!"

"Aw, screw them!"

"SHH!" The Elf turned back to the next kid in line, a very fat, mog-shaped boy with a very thin, pencil-necked, horse-toothed woman for a mother. The Elf idly wondered how they could be related.

Santa looked up at the fat kid, and groaned. He'd never walk again if /this/ kid sat in his lap.

"Would you like to see Santa now?" The Elf asked brightly. The fat kid scowled.

"Santa sucks!" He whined. "I want candy!" He yelled, louder, to his mother.

"Dudley-kins, you'll get candy after you visit Santa and tell him what you want for Christmas."

"No! Just gimmie candy!" 'Dudley-kins' demanded. Behind the Elf, Santa quirked a pale eyebrow, watching the scene half-interestedly. Behind the fat kid, a rather tall kid in a cowboy getup groaned audibly. The Elf squinted his dark eyes. That tall kid looked kind of familiar….

Meanwhile, with the fat kid still whining, and holding the line up, Santa spoke up.

"Hey, kid! Ya want anything fer Christmas or not?!" He demanded roughly. The fat kid looked up at Santa, and cold brown eyes met what should have been a cheerful blue, but had turned icy.

"FINE!" The fat boy stomped up to the raised platform where Santa sat, surrounded by fake snow, elves, ribbons, and a giant, overly decorated Christmas tree, and plopped his fat butt down onto Santa's knee, nearly causing an earthquake.

Santa bit back the stream of profanity that bubbled up to his lips when his leg was nearly crushed under the massive weight.

"What…do…you-" Santa began, wheezing under the weight, "Want fer Christmas?"

Dudley-kins smiled evilly.

"I want a new TV, a Playstation 2, an X-Box, a Game Cube, a new computer, a pool table, ten pounds of chocolate…."

The list went on, but Santa's leg was starting to buckle under his weight, and he wasn't paying much attention to the kids' ongoing list of outrageous wants. He was going to pass out from the pain, soon. Yeah, and all I want is one of two materia:Santa thought bitterly. A Restore, or /MINI/!

Back at the front of the line, the kid in the cowboy getup was starting to feel true agony of the legs himself.

Vincent had been standing with his knees bent deeply enough for him to loose a good six or seven inches in height, for all of two hours.

He'd also been watching Santa's Helper, wondering if that was really Cait Sith dressed up as an Elf, or if there were several robotic cats about the world. He didn't think so.

He also hoped to high heaven that said cat in an elf suit wouldn't recognize him. Fortunately, Vincent reasoned that he wouldn't. Vincent had rarely ever exposed his face to any of AVALANCHE, always hiding behind the high collar of his cloak, and doubted that Cait Sith would recognize him by his face. All other telling features such as his height, claw arm, and hair were carefully concealed…

OoOoO

AN:

1)The fat kid/ Chubby and "Mummy".

Yes, that was Dudley and Petunia from Harry Potter in there as well… lol. Guest appearances, lol. XX I dunno. It was just there for the taking…but I don't own them either.

2) Santa:

…So, can anyone guess who Santa is…? Lol. snickers I am evil.

3) Chaos:

I think I've ended up making Chaos as much of a dork as poor Vincent…. I have a tendency to do that for some reason. I have my wires crossed when it comes to the demon. I imagine it as a truly /evil/ being, there to wreak havoc on the world, and torture Vincent from the inside out, but then I go and write for it, and its this rather pleasant, benign entity that acts almost as a friend for Vince. . It's funny that way, but I don't know why I can't get out of that humor-against-Chaos groove, lol.


	5. ch 5

X-MAS SPECIAL.

Part Five

Santa was getting sick of Dudley-kins.

"And a pony…and new skates…and a skateboard, and a Olympic-sized swimming pool… and…"

"Alright! I get the picture!" Santa snapped, finally shoving the porky child off his lap with surprising strength. There was a slide to Santa's right, opposite of the line of children waiting to see him, that led down from the raised dais where he labored, to a cotton-padded fake winter wonderland, which led to an exit. Another helper elf was trying to shove the fat kid down the chute but Dudley hung on.

"And I want my stupid scar-faced cousin to /die/!" He added, before finally falling down the slide with a long-lasting and very pig-like squeal.

Santa's eyes widened a little at that last request, and was suddenly /very/ glad he didn't actually have to grant any Christmas wishes.

"Shit…" He muttered to his lead Elf. The cat nodded in awed agreement, before opening the gate to allow that strange tall kid in.

Vincent held his breath, walking up to where Santa sat, looking mildly irritated after his visit with the Chubby kid, who could now clearly be heard screaming for his candy, near the exit. Vincent's heart hammered. Here he was…the one and only…Santa Clause himself, the key to solving all of Vincent's problems.

It never occurred to Vincent, because he'd never really participated in anything like this since before he could remember, that it wasn't the /real/ Santa sitting before him.

Vincent froze up, suddenly nervous. What if he wasn't good enough? What if Santa said no?

"Well, c'mere, kid!" Santa growled, trying very hard to sound jolly. It was getting tougher by the minute.

Santa needed a smoke and a hard drink.

Vincent stepped foreword tentatively. Santa tilted his head up to look at him, baby blue eyes piercing.

"Wut's yer name, kid?" He asked, tentatively patting his knee. Vincent eased down to sit in St. Nicks' lap, and began to stutter, failing in getting his name out. After several failed tries, Santa waved his attempts off.

"Aw, never mind. Whaddaya want?" Santa said. His 'Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! What is /your/ name?' and 'and what would you like for Christmas?/ routine had faded away after the compounded events of Dudley, several younger children wetting themselves on his lap, and a few that had pulled off his beard, and found that no, he wasn't the real Santa, and flipped out, screaming and crying.

Vincent's mouth dropped open.

"Uh…uh…..uh…." He struggled. But his throat had closed, his mind had blanked out, and he could just /picture/ the _Death Penalty _floating before his eyes, but couldn't get the words out.

He struggled for several minutes before Santa gave up on him, frustrated.

"How about a football? Would ya like a football?"

Vincent, still floundering, nodded dumbly.

"Great, ya got a friggen football! Now get the hell out of here!" He shoved Vincent off his lap, and Vincent found himself being pushed toward the slide. He realized belatedly that he'd said the wrong thing, that he'd almost missed his chance. Vincent fought back, grabbing the sides of the slide in a vice grip, and twisted back to face Santa.

"NO!" He cried. "Wait!"

Santa turned back to him, and sighed, quirking an eyebrow.

"That's not what I want!" Vincent declared. Santa gave him a flat, annoyed look.

"Well what /do/ ya want?!" Santa growled, all the joy of Christmas out of his rough voice. Vincent frowned a moment, wondering why that sounded familiar.

"I-- I want this reallyneatguncalled the _Death Penalty!_" Vincent rushed.

Santa's jaw dropped.

_Oh, now you've done it._ Chaos said forebodingly.

"You too..?! You'll just shoot yer eye out!" Santa cried. Then he paused, leaning foreword in his throne, to peer at Vincent, even as the Ex-Turks' heart fell. "Wait! Shit! Vincent!?" Santa cried, blue eyes widening.

Vincent's jaw dropped.

"Cid?!" Vincent squeaked, suddenly realizing why those eyes were so familiar. "You're not Santa?!"

Cid glared at him angrily.

"NO! What the /hell/ are you doing?!"

"I was desperate! …what are you doing?!"

"No /shit/!" Cid didn't answer his question.

"Can I borrow two hundred gil then?" Vincent pleaded. Cid frowned darkly.

"No!" He reached foreword a black-booted foot, and gave Vincent a firm shove down the slide. "Ho…Ho….HO!" He growled as he pushed. Vincent cried out as he slid backwards down the slide on his belly, landing in the white fluffy cotton snow at its base in a daze.

Chaos was snickering in the back of his mind again as Vincent reeled from several nasty shocks delt all at once. One, was that he'd just ended up sitting in Cid's lap. Despite his failed attempt at getting to Santa, that was first and foremost in his traumatized mind. The failure was second. How was he going to get that gun now?!

Picking himself up dejectedly, Vincent wandered out of the Rocket Town Square, and snuck off to his hotel room to get out of that crazy cowboy costume before anyone else he knew spotted him.

Chaos wasn't laughing so much now that it realized that Vincent had again failed to receive the gun that they both seemed to desperately want.

_Maybe they're right…_ Chaos reasoned, depressed. _Maybe you /will/ just shoot your eye out…_

Vincent groaned, throwing his hand up in the air.

"Not you too!" He cried out loud. The clerk at the hotel desk looked up, eyes wide and alarmed at this strange man, coming in dressed childishly like a cowboy, talking to himself loudly. Vincent fixed the clerk a glare, red eyes flashing, and then went on his way.

Cid Highwind sank into his seat, fanning his face as best he could around the giant, itching white beard and fake glasses.

Vincent…Valentine…

That…had been… /very/ disturbing….

"Cait Sith?" He groaned.

"Yeah, boss?"

"Put up a sign… I need a break." He groaned, rubbing his eyes. The robotic cat nodded, and chained up the entrance, explaining that Santa would be back in five minutes, even as Cid stood on wobbling knees, and wandered around behind the North Pole façade to hide for a little while…

OoOoO

AN: (giggles madly) I really am…way…too cruel to Cid… XX

…/AND/ Vincent…god, I need to find someone else to pick on…. Jeez, this has been /so fun/ to write…


	6. ch 6

X-MAS SPECIAL.

Part Six

Vincent went back to his room, and flopped, face first down into the bed, letting out a low, pitiful moan.

_No kidding… those children /really/ stank…_

Vincent wished there were some way he could fix the demon within him a venomous glare. Still, unless he glared at himself in the mirror- he wouldn't stoop to that- Chaos would not see it. The sentiment was weak anyway.

Worn out, with aching thighs -- poor Vincent could barely walk-- a strange smell he couldn't get rid of, and guaranteed nightmares for months to come after having inadvertently willingly sat in Cid's lap, Vincent wasn't up for too many more challenges today. He rolled over, looking out the window of his second-story hotel room into the fading dusk, eyes fixating on the shining lights that adorned the leaning ShinRa no 26 Rocket that towered over the entire town.

Vincent snorted. He knew that Cid would not have personally approved of that star sitting on the Rocket's nose… it looked ridiculous, to say the least. Especially since it leaned even more than the actual rocket did. Vincent wondered how it didn't fall right off, actually.

_It's the Force,_ Chaos explained offhandedly. Vincent blinked.

_The /what/??_

_The Force…you know, the all binding power in the universe?_

_No… I don't know…._Vincent wondered if his inner demon was off his hypothetical rocker.

_The Force! C'mon!_

_…_

_Ok, its like duct tape…_ Chaos went on, its tone as if it were explaining something /very/ simple. _It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. _Chaos finishes, almost as if he was reciting something he'd read…

_…Oooh…._ Vincent didn't really understand, but Chaos didn't need to know that…

_…HEY!_

Oops.

A smallish boy, for his age at least, followed the fiasco with Vincent, in line to see a now far overworked Santa Clause.

After a twenty minute break, the still immense crowd waiting to deposite their squealing children on Cid's lap had began to riot for Santa's return, and the pilot reluctantly allowed Cait Sith to re-open the gates.

The boy looking up at him now through dark-framed, tape mended glasses was like a breath of fresh air for Cid.

He was quiet, polite, and quite thin, so that it didn't hurt him when the boy sat carefully upon his knee.

Keen green eyes peered up at him through unruly dark hair. He waited patiently for Cid, who was still recovering somewhat, until finally, Santa spoke.

"Heya, kid…" He said rather tiredly. "So whatcha want fer Christmas?"

Green eyes went thoughtful for a moment.

"A new broom maintenance kit, please." The boy said plainly. Cid blinked, twice, in utter confusion.

"A what?" He knew perfectly well what a broom was, but why one would want to /maintenance/ it…?!

"For Quidditch, sir." The boy said very politely.

"Fer wha??--Wait, what's yer name, kid?"

"Harry, sir."

"Look, Harry…," Cid began, rubbing at his artificial beard. "How about a rocking-chocobo or something?"

Harry blinked.

"What's a Chocobo?"

"I duno," Cid countered. "What's a Quidditch?" Harry's jaw dropped suddenly.

"You're a muggle?!"

"No, I'm a pilot, and /really/ tired, kid." Cid countered, not really wanting to know what the hell a muggle was. Harry blinked.

"Well…in that case… why don't you turn my cousin into a pig?" Harry amended. Cid raised an eyebrow.

"The fat kid?" Cid made a guess. Harry smirked. "Huh… he only wanted you to die…" He says bemusedly. Harry's smirk grows.

"I know…" With that, the thin boy hopped off of Cid's knee, and turned back to smile at him. "Thanks, Santa." With that, he dove down the slide.

Cid stared, jaw agape for a moment, dumbfounded. Of all the rotten ungrateful brats…sans Vincent -Cid shuddered- this was the first to say 'thank you'. That made Cid feel a little better.

…A little.

Cid stomped into his humble abode, hours later, no longer feeling a little better, but quite sore, tired, and immensely cranky. Following him nervously was Cait Sith, whom Cid was inwardly swearing to throttle--or more accurately, throttle Reeve if he ever ended up back in Midgar-- for letting him agree to such an idiotic stunt.

Cid had been horribly drunk, the night before, and the town's events' director had sauntered up to him after his singing stunt in the bar, and complimented him on his Christmas sprit.

Well, Cid, drunk and quite suggestible at that time, began to boast on and on to all who would listen about /his Christmas spirit/. He'd agreed to pose as Santa before the town's children in a show of drunken machismo.

Shera stood at the entrance to the living room, a tray with a single steaming cup of tea in her hands, waiting for him.

"I made you some tea, Captain." Shear said quietly, sensing his inner fury.

Cid took one look at the cup of tea, and the woman holding it, and his eyes began to prick with tears of joy. He strode over to where Shera stood, casting away his Santa-hat and beard, the red, fur trimmed coat to reveal all his usual clothing still tucked safely underneath, as he walked, and, carefully taking the cup in one hand, grabbed Shera by the chin and kissed her wildly.

Cid pulled back, took a sip from his tea, and heaved a relieved sigh.

"Woman, I love you!" Cid declared, moving away from Shera almost as if he'd forgotten her, and flopped onto the couch tiredly, reverently sipping his tea.

Shera stood with her jaw slack, fingertips to her lips, eyes wide.

Man…The Captain's had a rough day…She thought, shaking her head in awe as she walked back towards the kitchen, wondering what she would get if she made him a whole pot of tea…

Cid sat back, sipping his tea, his feet on the coffee table, eyes fixed on the darkness outside his window, except for the one eyesore of garish light emanating from his beautiful rocket. Cid frowned, critical eyes scanning the lights, and worse of all, the star at his baby's nose. I never approved of that!… It looks fucking ridiculous!He thought irritably. Another sip of his tea eased that irritation, though, and eventually, tea gone, Cid fell asleep on the couch, snoring loudly.

OoOoO

AN: "....HEEEY!! COOKIES!"

Hehe. A little interlude to follow Cid for a while… Why…? Because Its CID! Of course! Lol ,

And, as someone suggested a final cameo, we have the famous Harry Potter himself. I don't own Harry, or Quidditch, etc… (shrugs)

This prolly only has a few more chappies, short as it is. I could end it here, almost, but I want to last out the agony a little while longer…

Vin: ---- oh thanks.

Cid: Violated! I feel violated!!

Shera: (grins hazily) …. ##

MRE: eeheheee… , Sorry to you Valenwind fans out there, lol. I think I just committed the ultimate sacrilege there…lol Oh well. J Oh, and yeah… (hands Zack a new, shining Buster Sword, a biiiig red ribbon tied around the handle) There ya go, Zackie. If FF fan abuses you too much… (smirks) you can stay with me… (winks) eehehee…

Tootles,

MRE


	7. ch 7

X-MAS SPECIAL.

Part Seven.

"Where's Vincent?" Tifa looked around the table, voice a little dejected. She didn't know Vincent very well, and she thought he was rather odd, but overall a nice person. His absence at the table was markedly noticed.

By Tifa, anyway. Cloud looked up from his plate of bacon and eggs, eyes wide and glanced around the table, looking mildly confused. He stuffed his forkful of food into his mouth, fork and all, and held it there while he used his free hand to count, pointing at each person, the heads present. He got to an empty seat where Vincent would have usually sat, between Cid and Nanaki, and paused, face looking even more puzzled.

"Huhpf…" He commented offhandedly around his full mouth. "Awmoast mifft 'em."

Yuffie made a face.

"EEEW! DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL, /CLOUD/!" She demanded loudly. Cloud blushed, swallowing -his fork almost going down with the eggs before he choked on it and pulled it out of his mouth.

"Sorry." He said, looking down. Tifa giggled, reaching discreetly under the table.

Cloud jumped, choking again, eyes wide. No one seemed to notice, though.

"Aaaw, he's probably off sulking in the dark somewhere," Cid commented waving his absence off with a butter knife, which happened to be dripping with strawberry jelly that nobody would have guessed the gruff pilot liked so much. A few chunks of wayward jelly flew off the tip of the knife and landed with a plop on Nanaki's nose. The lion-cat whimpered softly to himself as he struggled to lick the sweet preserves from the tip of his nose. Cid winced as he noticed, glancing down at the great cat on the floor near his chair, but again, nobody else seemed to notice.

"Well, what makes you think that?" Tifa asked, her hand coming back up to rest politely by her plate. Cid swallowed, realizing that nobody save Vincent and Cait Sith knew of his…experiences yesterday.

"Well, fer one-" he began, talking with his silverware again. "He always does that." There was silent nodding of agreement around the breakfast table. "'N two… cause I happen 'ta know he tried ta ask Santa fer that gun of his yesterday." Cid got a few puzzled looks. Cait Sith, also present for breakfast even though he didn't eat, being a robot and all, began to snigger softly. "But Santa said 'no'." Cid added, chuckling. "He'll probably be hiding for a while…"

Barret raised a dark eyebrow.

"Well, how do /you/ know?!" Cid grimaced, silently wishing that nobody had asked that.

Cait Sith fell off his mog, laughing loudly. Cid shot the robotic cat a glare. Barret's eyebrow went higher.

"The hell yo been up to?" He said flatly. Cid's grimace grew.

"Well…um…shit…ya see…aw damnit…"

"HAHAHA!! HE-HAHAHAH-HAD-GAHAHAH-TA PLAY AS SANTA YESTERDAY!!" Cait Sith shouted loudly, mad laughter breaking his sentences. Someone dropped their fork to their plate, letting it clatter loudly. Cid began a coughing fit, face going red. "And Vince--haha! He came and he SAT ON CID'S LAP 'N EVERYTHING 'N ASKED FER THAT STUPID GUN!!" Cait Sith, having just managed to crawl back up to his usual perch, fell again. Cid was blushing like mad, embarrassed, but the resounding laughter didn't come like he'd expected.

It was worse: A stunned silence.

A small snigger from Yuffie, and a quieter "He sat on your /lap/!?" was all that broke the silence. Cid groaned, sagging in his char, covering his face. Nanaki, disturbed by all the loudness, got up with a hollow grunt.

"I'll never understand two-legged creatures…" Was all he had to say before padding off.

"Oooh…" Tifa said after a long pause. "Poor Vincent…"

"HEY!" Cid complained. Tifa gave him a puzzled look.

"He really must be desperate…" Tifa went on. "…We should pitch in and get him that gun for Christmas…" Again, a stunned silence. Several jaws were hanging slack. Tifa frowned. "HEY! He /DESERVES/ IT!" She cried suddenly, jumping to her feet."

Eventually, out of sheer terror of Tifa's wrath, everyone pitched in for the gun, the group generally feeling better and better about their decision the more they thought about it. It was indeed time someone did something nice for poor Vincent.

An awkward silence fell over AVALANCHE. They were in Rocket Town, and the gun was being sold in Kalm…a continent and a half away…

"I think we should send /Santa/ on his 'sleigh' to go pick up Vinnie's present!" Yuffie declares suddenly, smirking at Cid, who choked, sinking further in his seat.

"Ooooh, Fuck no…. Kid, there aint' no way in /hell/--"

"Oh, I think there is!" Tifa countered firmly, causing Yuffie to cackle evilly at Cid. "You get in that plane of yours, and go get that gun today!" Cid groaned again, sliding the rest of the way down into his chair, so that he actually slid and fell clean under the table with a dull thud, and a light clang as some of his silverware fell with him.

Yuffie tilted her head to glance under the table at the fallen pilot, and quirked an eyebrow.

"Isn't it a little early in the day to be brought completely under the table, Old Man?"

From under the table, Cid could be heard groaning lowly, followed by a stream of profanity.

Cloud stood, clapping his hands together decisively.

"Well, good! That's settled…!" He hurried off.

Cid stomped through Kalm, glaring stormily at everyone he passed. He stormed straight into the weapons' shop, before he even slowed down. At least the flight had been nice…

He winced, when upon requesting the overlarge weapon in the window, the store owner quirked an eyebrow at him, his silent look clearly saying 'Compensating, Mister?'

Still, Cid amazingly kept his mouth shut, paid for the weapon with the unruly wad of cash that he and the remainder of AVALANCHE, sans Vincent, had gathered for the purchase of the _Death Penalty_. It was delivered to him by hand, in a nifty leather case and everything. Muttering, Cid hurried right back out of the shop, the gun slung over his shoulder so that he carried it like it was one of his spears.

Fuckin…callin' me goddamned Santa…. 'n my baby a fuckin' sleigh…Cid wasn't so irritated about running an errand for his friends as he was upset over the titles he'd managed to earn himself.

He returned home to Rocket Town late in the afternoon, just as the sun was setting. He passed over the cheerfully lit SinRa No. 26 Rocket, and scowled. It really did look awful, all light up like some damned Christmas tree… He pushed the thought aside, and landed near his home, going inside, where he knew Tifa would be waiting for him.

The brunette sat on the couch, across from Shera, who had a rather sour look on her face when she looked at Tifa. Tifa saw Cid come in through the back door, and stood, excited.

"Did you get it?" She asked eagerly.

"No." Cid said flatly, dropping the large weapon, still encased discreetly as possible in leather, on the coffee table.

"Oh…" Tifa said, voice disappointed. Shera snorted. Cid snorted as well, rolling his eyes.

"Dumb broad, its right the hell here!" He said, kicking the table hard enough to make the heavy gun bounce lightly. Tifa blushed, embarrassed.

"Oh." Cid chuckled lightly, lighting up a smoke as he settled down near Shera.

"So, ya seen Vin at all today?" He asked conversationally. Tifa shook her head.

"Nope. He's still locked up in his room. Cloud tried to get him to come out, but he wouldn't do it….Nobodys' let on that we…" and she pauses to grin deviously, "know what might be bothering him…" The look on Tifa's face cued off Shera, who glanced at Cid, eyes wide, mouth open, face questioning. Cid snarled lightly, and pointedly ignored the look, and Tifa's comment.

"True to form!" He declared instead, standing again. "Well, I guess we gotta just get that thing wrapped up and hidden for a few days and we won't have to listen to Vampy Boy there sulk all the time!" Cid laughed to himself, wandering back out of the room.

Shera gave Tifa a firm look.

"Good. You can take that-" She gestured to the _Death Penalty_, lying on her coffee table, "And go home now!" She said, her mislead jealousy seeping out now that Cid was gone.

Tifa left quickly, looking back at the usually meek woman in mild fear.

OoOoO

AN:

1)Yeah, sorry I was slower to update this one… . I actually got most of this chapter written last night, but then the bloody program crashed (it does that sometimes… . ) and I lost all I'd written, and I just couldn't go back and do it again. As a result, I feel this chapter is also somewhat lacking, but its more filler on behalf of what little plot this story entails… (shrugs) anywho… there ya go. . Sorry I'm late, lol. (Me, who tries to set an example to people to UPDATE MORE FREQUENTLY falling back, lol . oh well, shit happens, right?)

2) OMG! SEVEN CHAPTERS AND STILL GOING! OO; when did this little shortie end up so /big/? okay, so its only...what... 19 pages at 12pt font, my author's notes included, which is /still/ pretty short for me, but... jeez. I expected this to be like... 3 chapters or something, lol. ...OH WELL! MORE THE MERRIER!

Tootles!

MRE.


	8. ch 8

X-MAS SPECIAL.

Part Eight.

Christmas day came, and Vincent found himself squeezed awkwardly between Tifa and Barret as the whole of AVALANCHE gathered around a rather impromptu Christmas tree that Cid had dragged in at the last minute.

It consisted of a small pine that he'd chopped down in the nearby forest, dragged carelessly all the way back to Rocket Town, where it was placed somewhat in the center of Cid's living room, leaning against the TV set, as nobody could find anything to work as a proper stand. There was a skimpy strand of lights scattering the whole thing, and for ornaments, an array of old toys that Cid had somehow managed to bum from the town's children.

Tifa insisted that it looked "Adorable" but Vincent figured she'd meant abominable and simply gotten the letters mixed up a little.

The thing looked about as good as Vincent felt. Which wasn't to say that Vincent had been chopped down and dragged bodily across a meadow and through town, but that it looked thoroughly tired and utterly beyond pathetic. Its Christmas Spirit was marginally acceptable.

Still, despite the tree itself, the pile of carefully wrapped presents -and one or two in brown paper bags from Cid, with little tree-like shapes drawn in green and red on them for good measure (At least, Vincent hoped they were trees…) -made up for the tree's lack of grandeur.

Still, Vincent sighed. Beside him, Tifa glanced his way, big rose eyes batting at him, wide with what Vincent resented as sympathy, then suddenly threw her arms around him, hugging him to her.

Vincent gasped, trying to breathe as his face was smashed into her voluptuous chest. He knew that if he dared crack one eye open that he'd probably get the sight of his life, which, Vincent reminded himself, he didn't really want right now.

_Oh, live it up!_ Chaos prompted. Vincent stiffened. No. No no no way in hell! _Awww…_

Tifa finally released Vincent, and he pulled back, paler than ever- perhaps even kind of blue now - and gasping for breath.

God, she almost killed me…!Chaos made a wheezing noise in his mind for emphasis. Vincent didn't blame it.

"Oh come /on/ Vince!" Tifa caroled, moving to hug him again, but Vincent managed to doge her, just barely.

Instead, he backed clean into Barret. Or rather, his arm, which was nearly as big around as Vincent was. The large man grunted, and cast a weird look down on Vincent, who grimaced, and shot the man an apologetic look.

"Watchit." Barret grunted. Vincent scooted away from the other gunman, even though he was afraid to get too close to Tifa.

"Alright! Who's up for /Nog/?!" Cid came in, buried under a tray of foaming mugs, another being carried by Shera behind him. Vincent winced. Cid's eggnog could kill a person. It wasn't that it was no good. In fact, it was delicious…until the hangover set in. Cid's type of homemade alcoholic drinks were the kind that didn't wait until you'd gone to sleep, and for you to wake up the next morning to give you a hangover. No, Vincent swore he could get drunk just thinking about Cid's 'Nog' as it was called.

"HEY! Vin! You showed up!" Cid chirped, shoving a large mug into Vincent's hands. Judging by Cid's grin, and the rosy tint to his cheeks, and his generally merry countenance, Vincent guessed that 'ol Highwind had been sampling the eggnog all morning…to make sure it was okay, of course…

Vincent took a tentative sip, and winced at the burn. He wondered if it wasn't just all rum, and that Cid had forgotten the eggnog part this year. He set the mug aside, eyes watering as Cid sat down into his own chair, clapping his hands together.

"Okay! /Presents/!"

Beside him, Vincent could hear Barret snickering. Tifa giggled too, actually.

Yuffie flat out burst into laughter.

"Okay, /Santa/, dish 'em out!" Cait Sith cried, waving his megaphone. Cid's smile fell from his face, and suddenly Vincent realized what they were all teasing Cid about… His eyes flashed over to meet Cid's, hoping, begging that the pilot hadn't said anything… Cid caught Vincent's stare, and smirked, winking.

Vincent sagged in his seat noticeably, blood draining from his face. Chaos was sniggering in his head again. Actually, so was Gallian Beast, Death Gigas and Hellmasker as well. Stop laughing or I'm switching my wardrobe to /pink/ in honor of Aeris.Vincent threatened. All for demons went totally silent, instantly. Thank you.Vincent thought, then brought his eyes back up to the rest of the group.

And here, he did have to stifle a laugh, because Yuffie had gotten Cloud to hold Cid down while she planted a Santa Hat onto Cid's head, using his flight goggles as extra pressure to keep the thing on. Cid was kicking and shouting and making a fuss, but Yuffie held on, and managed to get the thing stuck onto his head. Cloud danced back, laughing, as did Yuffie, and there was a flash as someone took a picture… Vincent glanced around as Cid began to yell, having seen the flash but not where it came from, and spotted Shera slipping from the room, a camera discreetly at her side.

Cid reached up to yank his hat off, but Tifa fixed him a glare.

"Cidney Highwind, where on /earth/ is your Christmas Spirit?!" She snapped loudly. Vincent could hear the low rumble of what was actually Nanaki's chuckling as Cid froze, wide eyed, and stared at Tifa, slack-jawed.

"Aaaww, c'mon!" he complained.

"Cid! Pass out the presents!" Tifa barked. Cid winced, then vacated his seat to kneel by the 'tree' and begin pulling out some of the gifts stuffed underneath it. Tifa reverted again back to her usual cheery self, and settled back down next to Vincent again.

_Whooo! That is one /scary/ woman!_ Chaos commented. Vincent caught himself nodding in agreement. Fortunately, nobody noticed that he was hearing voices…

"Okay…Teef…one for you, and Spike…" Cid began, tossing packages unceremoniously across the room. "Red, here ya go.." He had the grace to hand Nanaki his gift. "Yuffs," another gift tossed. He pulled out a heavier package that clanked lightly when moved. "Yo, B-Dawg!"

"Yo!" Barret and Cid exchanged a laugh as everyone else groaned.

"Right…mine… Shera… HEY, SHERA!" A clank in the kitchen. "SHERA!" Cid tried again. Another clank, and a lower sound. "/SHEEEEERAAAAAA!/" Cid bellowed. Still nothing. Then, after a long pause,

"…What?" Shera called back. Cid groaned, shaking his head.

"Damn woman…" He muttered. He set the present for Shera aside next to his. He finally pulled out another package. "Heey! Here ya go, Vinnie!" He tossed the package to Vincent, who caught it easily in one hand.

Still, his heart sank. It was a soft and squishy present. Definitely not a gun. Still, he opened it anyway, as it was polite. Glancing at the tag, Vincent scoffed. From Santa. From Santa my white hairy demon-infested ass!

_Hey!_

Vincent ignored Chaos' complaint, and opened the package.

At first, he didn't know what he was seeing, but as he unfolded the brilliant yellow cloth, he found it to be a large T-shirt with a big yellow smiley face, and the cheerful words, 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' printed boldly across it.

_My, isn't that darling…_

Vincent could feel his lip quivering, and his eyes starting to sting. He /refused/ to cry in front of his comrades, but oh, he was so close…

OoOoO

AN:

(snickers) Poor Vinnie….

1) You might have noticed my fixation on eggnog, between this and Finding the Spirit. (shrugs) We have a wicked family recipe, what can I say…

2) (snickers again) Cid 'n Shera act married, lol.

3) I'm gunna try and do a drawing of Shera's Photo of Cid, Cloud and Yuffie at some point… I recently started putting up fanart on Deviant Art (I'm MakoRedEyes, of course)…ya know, all the stuff that Elfwood doesn't want, lol. (they're so picky there!) … anyway, if you can find me (I dun even know if /I/ can find me as of yet…) watch for fun stuff like that. Lots a hot Cid Highwind goodness up there right now.. …and of all people, Zack. Lol.

Okay…done w/ the shameless self Promotion now.

Bustahead, please stop reading A New Life… it's going to melt your brain! OO (yes, its that bad.)


	9. ch 9

X-MAS SPECIAL.

Part Nine.

"C'mon, Vinnie! Put it on!" Yuffie chirped, ignoring her own present when she saw Vincent lift the T-shirt, staring at it wide-eyed in horror. Vincent looked back up at Yuffie, and shook his head 'no' so hard it made Chaos dizzy.

Yuffie scrunched up her nose and lips, and glared petulantly at Vincent.

"PUT IT ON, DAMNIT!!!" She snarled. Vincent reeled, nearly dropping the shirt in his newfound fear. He glanced first at Barret, then to Cid, who just shrugged.

"Yo better jus go put that thing on, Vince." Barret said patting Vincent's bony shoulder with a large, quarter-pound-er steak-like hand. Vincent sighed.

"I dun wanna." He said softly, even as Barret shoved him from his seat.

"Just go down the hall and change in Cid's room, Honey." Tifa said encouragingly. Again, Vincent looked to Cid, hoping the gruff pilot would rile up and declare that nobody was going into his #&ing room, but sadly, it didn't happen. Vincent was on his own. Sighing sadly, he shuffled down the hallway, dragging the shirt after him, trying to stall.

Minutes later, Vincent returned, out of his red cloak, and his headband as well. He'd decided the red looked horrible with the black and yellow, and had left the items folded neatly in the single square foot of open space in Cid's otherwise disaster-area bedroom. He was wearing the yellow smiley shirt in place of his usual black collared shirt, and honestly, he wore it well, if you didn't know Vincent personally.

Still, all those in the room /did/ know Vincent personally, at least a bit. Vincent stood in the doorway, biting his lip and not really wanting to come out.

"Oooooh! You look just /ADORABLE/, Vince!" Tifa cried, standing up and squealing. She rushed to try and hug him again, but he managed to sidestep her this time.

Shera came out, looking about vaguely at the ruckus that Tifa was causing, and her eyes fell on Vincent.

"My, isn't that darling." She said vaguely, then wandered over to sit near Cid. "Is that mine?" she said, pointing at the package by Cid's heel. She didn't wait for an answer, just picked it up.

"Come closer, Vin! I can't see!" Yuffie cried. Vincent shuffled foreword a half step, and refused to move more. Cid sat up straighter in his seat.

"C'MERE!" He bellowed. Vincent stepped into the ring of chairs, looking much like a rather anemic, wet, angry bulldog.

"AAww…DAMN!" Barret commented. "That thing is /horrible/ on ya!" Vincent gave him a stale look. "Yo like tha' thing?!" Barret pressed. Vincent shook his head no. "Yo wanna be wearin' it?" Again, Vincent shook his head no. "Wanna go take it off?" Vincent shook his head excitedly in confirmation. "THEN GET TH' HELL OUTTA HERE, DAMNIT!" Vincent gave him a questioning look, eyes shining with hope. "Go'on!" Barret bellowed. "Get the hell outta that! Hurry up!" Vincent turned and dashed off down the hall without a second glance.

Barret sat back in his seat and smirked in satisfaction for a moment, then looked around.

"Whoever did tha' to 'em was /damn/ mean!" He commented. "Here," He reached under the couch, pulled out a /very long/ parcel wrapped extravagantly, and passed it to Cloud. "Shove that under 'da tree 'fore 'e comes back." Cloud took the package and hid it between the TV set and the half-assed Christmas tree, and hurried back into his seat seconds before Vincent came back, still without his cloak and headband, but back in his more appropriate shades of black. He had a small grin of relief on his face as he flopped back in between Tifa and Barret.

"Well, I guess that's it…" Cloud said, standing and starting to scoop up stray wrappings from the floor.

"Now just wait a fuckin' second here, Spike…" Cid said, leaning foreword and squinting up under the tree. "The hell is that?" Cloud paused, and crawled foreword on his knees to peer with Cid.

"Dunno." Cloud answered, looking back at Cid with a carefully schooled (and entirely too natural) blank expression. Cid sighed loudly, reaching for it.

"Can't reach it…" He stands, shrugging, and goes back to his seat.

Barret leaps up.

"Now wait jus on second!" The large man sprung from his seat and thundered across the little living room, grabbed the tree, and literally pulled it aside, reaching back and pulling out the large present.

Across the room, Vincent, who had been watching with mild interest, wondering who the hell the guys were teasing, suddenly felt his pulse quicken.

Could it be?

_Naaah!_ Chaos commented in response to Vincent's hope.

But it's the right size and--

_So what? Its big. Its probably golf clubs for Reeve._

SHUT UP, I WAS HAVING A MOMENT OF HOPE, HERE!

_… _Chaos fell into an indignant silence, likely pouting for being yelled at.

Meanwhile, Barret had been squinting at a finely labeled tag. Yuffie began to giggle.

"Goin' blind, ya old fart?!" She poked, smirking when Barret shot her a glare.

"Hell no, I ain't! Says here 's for Vince!"

_Excuse me?_

Shut up.

_You better do something… He said your name… Oh, for Holy's sake, Valentine! At least close your mouth!_

Vincent snapped his jaw shut, and took the long, heavy, gaudily wrapped gift in both hands. He could feel it…the weight, the dimensions…they were all there…all right…

Very carefully, with shaking hands, he began slicing down the sides with a single fingertip from his claw-arm.

"Aaw! C'mon, man!" Cloud cried, pent up with antici….pation. Still, that was all Vincent needed to rip the decorative paper to shreds in a few frantic movements of his hands…

And there it was, wrapped in beautiful, sweet-smelling black leather, the metallic tang seeping up to Vincent's nose. He tried to calm his now violently trembling hands as he withdrew the rifle from its simple case, and there he held the weapon, cradled carefully in both hands.

It was beautiful. Everything was perfect, the wood, brass, iron… all immaculate. He lifted it with one arm, aiming at the tree, checking out the sights and the balance… It nestled perfectly against his shoulder, let him extend his arm fully, so that he could still raise it one armed, gunslinger style, as was his habit.

"Whoa! Vin! Don't blow somebody's head off!" Cid cried suddenly, realizing with a sharp slap of reality, that somebody was pointing a five and a half foot gun around his house.

Vincent put the gun down in his lap quickly again. The barrel pointed off the end of the couch, clean over Tifa's lap. Vincent was misty eyed, and grinning around, though blushing lightly from Cid's warning.

"Still say yer gunna shoot yer fuckin eye out, Vin." Cid commented, but still, he smiled with everyone else.

Who knew Vincent Valentine could smile…and this /wide/?!

"We pitched in for you, Vince. Merry Christmas." Tifa said, trying to smile even though the cold metal of the double barrels was lying uncomfortably across her bare thighs. That skirt tended to ride up when she was sitting, and while she usually didn't mind (everything that needed to be was still covered…barely, but still, after all.) the coldness was beginning to make her endless sparkling smile fade lightly.

"Th-th th thank you…" Vincent stammered softly, gazing down lovingly at his gun again.

_Whoo hooo! Yeah! This kicks ass!_

Vincent ignored Chaos all together.

"Don't tell me you're just going to sit there and stare at it now, Vince." Cloud said suddenly.

"Yeah, yo can't love a gun righ' unless yo put 'er ta good use!" Barret added, rubbing his gun-arm proudly. Vincent looked up, and around to the group.

"Can I?" He began, then faltered. "I ah, mean, you won't mind, Cid? … We aren't doing anything right now?"

Cid waved a hand in dismissal.

"Yeah yeah… fine, take her out back, there's a scrap heap you can blow all to hell and back for all I care…just dun shoot yer goddamned eye out, alright?!" Cid said. There were several bobbing heads of agreement.

_Jeez…You were a TURK before they even met you…they're acting like you're some sort of brain dead idiot or something! You can handle a gun! I've seen it!_ Chaos complained. Vincent gave him the mental equivalent of a shrug. He was too happy to /care/.

And so, with that, Vincent hopped off the seat, ran back into Cid's room to grab his cloak, and dashed out the back door, giggling lightly, and nearly skipping, with delight, the brand new shining _Death Penalty_ tucked safely against his side.

OoOoO

AN:

1) For any of you trying to find the comparison between this and the movie A Christmas Story, the T-Shirt replaces the bunny suit. I just couldn't bear to put Vincent in a pink bunny costume… . 

2) Any Rocky Horror Picture Show fans out there? I dropped a reference. (yes, I'm into that too… are you really /that/ surprised? Me? The Yaoi goddess of kinky doom? )

3) No, its not over… .yet… soon, but not yet. One or two more chappies, methinks. (I shouldn't say that, 'methinks'. I sound like Watto the Toydarian from StarWars Eps. I & II --yes… Star Wars too… lol)

4) Sorry I fell out of my usual synch with the updates. . It was finals week for me, plus, when I haven't been doing finals, I've been doing Christmas Shopping… Litterally. I finish a final, I go shopping. This happened for ½ my finals, lol. Shrugs They were easy enough to leave early, lol.

5) …I think Chaos has exceeded the level of dumbass and hit orbit in the universe of the friggen idiots… Good place for it. (Yes, It. Do they ever say whether its male or female?! NO!…. I generally think of it as a 'he' though. shrugs I'm feeling philosophical this evening. Lets contemplate the gender of some vage ½ character from a seven year old game that everyone still loves, yet terribly abuses in the name of said love… oh good, now I'm rambling… I need coffee… Lots, and lots of coffee…

6) Hey Zack, lost any fingers with that new sword yet?

7) Geez…my Author's Notes are almost longer than the actual chapter, now, LOL! . 

MRE.


	10. ch 10 THE END!

X-MAS SPECIAL.

Part Ten.

Vincent wandered out into Cid's back yard, already popping rounds from his belt into the gun as he walked.

In the back of his mind, Chaos was literally giggling with glee, and Vincent swore he could hear Hellmasker sniffle once, but he wasn't quite sure. All four of his demons were in an excited uproar, and with four voices and your own mind, things were getting noisy in Vincent's head. Still, it was one of the first times that he agreed with all four of them at once, and shared their feelings so wholeheartedly.

It was a little disturbing.

Vincent glanced at where the Tiny Bronco should have been parked, and winced, but then shook it off, and stood in the bald patch in the yard where it had sat for so long, and turned slightly as he easily spotted the scrap heap Cid had mentioned.

It was stacked in one corner of the yard, higher than the fence. Vincent shook his head. Cid. Could. Be. Such. A. Raging. Slob.

Vincent raised the _Death Penalty_ up in his arm again, and just took a minute to stand there, feeling its weight make his muscles strain slightly, its new metallic smell of oil and steel make his nose prickle and his eyes sting lightly. He closed one eye, sighting in on a small tin can at the top of the scrap heap, and widened his stance a little, expecting a bit of a bite when he actually pulled the trigger, and took a deep breath.

Vincent brought the trigger down slowly. Vincent didn't entirely enjoy killing, but he took pride in his cool accuracy, composure and skill with any gun. There were no jerky, awkward movements…ever.

_You going go actually pull the trigger or just stand here like some fucked up statue?_ Chaos asked suddenly. Vincent sighed, and finally, taking aim one last time, pulled the trigger.

The resounding bang caused Vincent's heart to leap up into his throat, and the kick of the gun sent him flying flat to his ass, several yards back from he'd been initially standing. There was a sharp metallic crack as the tin can he'd shot exploded into a myriad of metal shards, tinkling as they fell back to the scrap heap.

_Whooo!!!_ Chaos cheered as Vincent got up, giddy from the rush of it. Gallian Beast was howling excitedly. His shoulder ached, and his ears rang, but he was grinning. 'Whoo' was right! Grinning, Vincent moved back to where he'd been standing -the grass was kicked up into little wads of turf where his heels had dug into the ground before he was finally knocked from his firm stance - and raised the gun again, aiming at something a little more substantial this time. He sighed a large metal crate or something that looked like it, and Death Gigas chuckled.

_Fun_.

Vincent smiled in response, grinning toothily, and, hardening his stance with one heel back and dug firmly into the ground this time -he felt that he was ready for such a huge blast this time - and took aim and fired.

Again, a resounding bang, and then a loud sharp sound as the bullet hit its target.

Inside, Tifa jumped as she heard a second bang, but Barret waved it off.

"'S jus Vince, Teef!" Tifa nodded.

"Its so loud…"

"What?" Cid asked, looking around. "What's loud?" Shera groaned, dropping her head to her hands. Yuffie snorted.

"Deaf old fart." Cid glared, flipping the bird at her.

"Shaddup, Brat."

Back outside, the bullet struck the large metal box, but didn't penetrate it. Instead, it ricocheted off, and zoomed right back at Vincent before he could think to move.

_Shit! Valentine, move! _Chaos' senses were far quicker than Vincent's, and the bullet struck before Vincent could even register what the demon had said to him. Vincent yelped, falling back and clutching his face as the bullet missed his right eye by about a half inch. _Damnit! You frickin idiot! They /warned/ you! A million frickin' times!_ Chaos bellowed with a roar. Vincent was defenseless as the demon took over his body in its fury. They shared pain, after all, and Chaos was /hot/ happy with having its day wrecked by such idiocy, even though it really hadn't been Vincent's fault.

Inside, nobody seemed to hear the roar, nor the crashes as a livid demon tore Cid's yard apart.

When Vincent came back in a half hour later, he crept into the house, dragging the _Death Penalty_ after him, exhausted, and a little worried. The bullet wound in the side of his head had healed after he returned to his natural self, but Cid's yard was a wreck. That, and Vincent had lost his shirt in the process of the demon's tirade. He slipped down the hall and into Cid's room, once again putting on that damned yellow t-shirt, and trying to hide it under his cloak. He let his hair hang over the small red mark left over his eye, even though it was fading.

_I still can't believe you actually shot your own damned eye out, Valentine._ Chaos said softly. It had worn itself out as well, and had returned to its place of running commentator.

Vincent slipped back into the front room, and sunk onto the couch.

"Vincent!" Tifa cried. "You look exhausted!" Vincent mentally winced. Uh oh…

"Yes… it's a powerful weapon…"

_No shit, Sherlock._

Who?Vincent received a groan from Chaos.

"Wow…Must be…" Tifa said, awed and utterly oblivious as always.

Cid, however, had just happened to glance out the window, and now stood.

"What the hell happened to my yard?!" He cried.

_Quick! Think of something!_

"Um…" Vincent began. Cid turned a glare on him. "The pile fell over… I hit something too low and it just collapsed… I…" He paused, an idea dawning on him like the rising sun. "I need a band aid… a bit of metal hit me…scratched my face…" He pulled back his hair to show the closing gash on his face. Shera looked up at him, and jumped to her feet.

"Oh poor baby! Come on into the kitchen, I'll get you fixed up…" Cid gave the woman a queer look, but she ignored it as she grabbed Vincent by the hand and drug him into the kitchen, where she proceeded to dab at the cut with a warm, wet washcloth, and then gently administer a children's band aid, complete with little dancing mogs all over it. Vincent idly wondered if she gave those to Cid every time the Captain got a boo-boo.

_I cannot believe they fell for that, Valentine!_ Chaos chimed as Vincent let Shera baby him. _What idiots!_ Vincent had to hold back a snort as he saw Cid still standing by the window, scratching his head in bewilderment as he looked outside.

"There you go, honey." Shera said, patting Vincent's head in a motherly fashion that made Chaos groan. "All fixed up."

Vincent smiled.

OoOoO

AN: YAHAHAHAH!!

I think that's the end of it unless I come up with something better between now in Xmas.

This was incredibly fun to write. And everybody's reviews were even funnier to read, at times.

LOOK! ARTWORK! LOL. Now, I think I was told this link didn't work right, so I'm gunna put a few seperate ones here, that'll help you find it if the actual direct link doesn't 

that's the actual pic. If that doesnt work THIS is my deviantart gallery, and the pic is in my scraps page. You'll find it. its Yellow. Very. Yellow.

More writing coming. I'm eternally attacked by plot demons…in fact… I had an idea yesterday…but… darn…can't…remember…AUGH!

Anyway, Lesson Learned still has a ways to go...

Oh yes, and Nieni Woodland, your review takes the cake as the strangest one I've recieved thus far. It was so strange, in fact, that I forewarded it on to my mother, for kicks. (hands you a trophy) Good job!

Happy Holidays!

MRE.


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